Being Weird Rocks!

2012-02-13T11:35:00.001+08:00

i cut the chord.

now i'm waiting for the questions.

2012-02-08T12:22:00.001+08:00

hi. yusin is judging me for blogging. i'm judging her for judging me.

2012-02-06T14:54:00.002+08:00

i used to think that it was a maturity thing, a mentality that you needed to wrap your head around. i never understood why other people found it so difficult, because it never was for me.

now i understand.

when you're placed in a situation that makes you feel like you're worth nothing, you know you have to get out of it. part of it is due to sensitivity, part of it is due to a clash of opinions. but at the end of the day, everything just isn't worth it anymore.

it's not worth the insults, intended or unintended.
it's not worth the immense feeling of resentment for everything that you've said or done.
it's not worth the feeling of loathing of yourself and the people around you.

but most of all, it's not worth the pain.

2012-02-05T23:46:00.003+08:00

it's absolutely pathetic how much i rely on external circumstances to dictate my emotions.

i'm just killing myself slowly, day by day.

2012-02-04T17:19:00.001+08:00

once a fucker, always a fucker.

2012-02-04T10:30:00.003+08:00

sometimes you need to make decisions that involve a trade off.

you need to be willing to forgo certain things. the ultimate decision stems from what you regard as important, and i'm choosing my own peace of mind and personal well being over, well, friends.

maybe in the future, but not right now, because the feeling of resentment just overwhelms me and i'll end up punching someone.

2012-01-30T19:19:00.001+08:00

it's amazing how the same thing being said at two completely different times could trigger such different emotions in the same person.

is this what bipolar disorder is about?!?!?!?

2012-01-24T20:26:00.001+08:00

you know what, i think this is a breakthrough.

it's time to stop it with all this crap and finally come clean to myself.

2012-01-20T09:53:00.002+08:00

whenever you feel like giving up, tell yourself that tomorrow will be a better day, then get your head back in the game.

2012-01-16T09:43:00.001+08:00

let's find something healthy to devote my attention to.

2012-01-15T20:36:00.001+08:00

the things that mean the most to you are always the ones that hurt you most.

2012-01-14T12:31:00.002+08:00

i guess at the end of the day, after all that shit, you still don't know how i function.

and you will never know how i function, because you never gave this a chance.

i guess it was just too much to expect from someone who only skims the surface when it comes to life.

2012-01-12T14:24:00.001+08:00

so sick of this semi functional feeling.

2012-01-11T23:46:00.001+08:00

i need to stop this.

damned if you do, damned if you don't i guess. so suck it up and live with what you've got.

2012-01-08T02:07:00.001+08:00

I AM SO CONFUSED.

2012-01-01T12:40:00.002+08:00

2011 was, honestly, a pretty decent year for most of it.

But I think the problem was that I really had no expectations. I started the year a complete train wreck, and from there on out that was how I lived it out for most of the year.

This year I think I gotta have more inhibitions, and I hope I've taken the first step. 2012 is going to be a year of new beginnings and second chances and achieving all I set out to, because being aimless turned me into a complete mess last year.

I'm through with long reflections, because I'm going to try this thing whereby I don't dwell too much on the things that happened in the past, because I can't change them anyway. It's all about embracing the moment when it's happening, and reflecting on it afterwards for a fleeting moment.

Goodbye 2011, it was nice knowing you. But I've gotten my second chace and now it's time to move forward.

Let the fight begin.

2011-12-25T03:13:00.001+08:00

when other people set for you a unattainable benchmark, what do you have left to aim for?

2011-12-24T14:58:00.003+08:00

It's a struggle.

I have to constantly remind myself that I made the right decision, that this is the one that is going to be the best for myself and everyone around me in the long run.

But every time this happens I question myself over and over again, and I begin to wonder.

This is not the best way to do things gretch. You've made your decision, and you've passed the decision over to someone else. Things are no longer within your control, so stop pretending that they are. Everything that you've chosen to do, it's for the best and we can all learn to move on.

You can't fall off the bandwagon. Not now, not ever. So suck it up.

2011-12-24T10:39:00.000+08:00

I miss you most in the morning
Most every morning
I wake up thinking
I could call
I could come visit
I could come running
We could relive it

But when I think of all that we've been through
Going back to you
Seems such a foolish thing to do
I hope you know
That even if I don't
I wanted to

All those words
You said at the ending
Were pretty revealing
And I can't forget them
All those ways
We missed at connecting
Despite all our trying
It always came back to
What I couldn't give you

So when I think of starting up again
Or trying to be friends
It seems impossible to do
I hope you know
That even if we can't
I wanted to

Who knows why
Two people perfectly aligned
Should ever have to find themselves apart
I'll never understand my heart

I miss you
Most in the morning
Most every morning
I wake up crying

- Even If I Don't; Rachael Yamagata

IF THERE EVER HAD TO BE A SONG OF THE MOMENT THIS WOULD BE IT.

2011-12-23T10:03:00.002+08:00

i think this has become one of those 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situations.

i'm still finding it immensely difficult to get my head wrapped around the things i need to be doing because all i want to do is sleep, and the scare of yesterday has kind of only reiterated the fact that i really should just take things slow and relax. but there are so many things to do i haven't even considered yet and so many deadlines to meet that i really just want to wash my hands of everything.

but i can't because these are my responsibilities and i need to get them done because i need to be accountable to everyone. which i should be, but i just find it so difficult to do sometimes.

stop being such a prat, gretch. you have things to do, and you better get them done. stop reveling in your own shit and just start doing stuff because the more you put them off, the more you're going to be overwhelmed the closer the deadline gets.

JUST DO IT OMG YOU'RE SUCH AN UNBELIEVABLE PROCRASTINATOR IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

2011-12-19T13:28:00.000+08:00

Perpetually pissed off by family.

Yup, welcome home gretch.

2011-12-17T09:38:00.002+08:00

i think the feeling was the same the last time around.

but that's a good thing, because this means that i'll be able to get over this in no time.

as much as i hate the entire situation, i'm glad things happened the way they did because i wouldn't have had it any other way.

2011-12-17T00:28:00.002+08:00

i just wanna take some time off and just not think about stuff for the time being.

but i can't, because there are so many things to do right now and stuff to consider, and all the responsibilities are piling up and i'm starting to get a little bit insane. i've only been back four hours and already i'm feeling the pressure.

i wanna disappear for a few days and just hole myself up somewhere. i don't want to deal with all the responsibilities i have to face at the moment because i'm just not in the right frame of mind right now.

i've spent my entire life being independent and not relying on other people, which can be a very good thing. but at the same time, not having to consider repercussions have also made me extremely selfish and occasionally irresponsible, which i guess is something that i'm learning as i go along.

hello singapore, it's good to be home. but give me some time to get my head back in the game.

2011-12-01T11:05:00.003+08:00

all my fears are coming true.

i really REALLY need to do something about this.

2011-11-26T10:58:00.002+08:00

i'm an old pro at ignoring my emotions.

so unless you tell me not to, this is how it's going to be.

2011-11-24T01:13:00.001+08:00

this entire thing is driving me crazy.

can't wait for end of exams, PMS and exam blues are a deadly combination.

17 more hours.

2011-11-20T16:26:00.002+08:00

i need to stop doing things that add fuel to all the doubts and insecurities i already have.

2011-11-19T20:07:00.002+08:00

for most of us, looking at the current situation and seeing it for what it really is is just a cause for so much questioning for everyone.

it's crazy how someone you thought you knew could let you down so much, and it hurts to see heartbreak in the most innocent of parties.

i wish i could say something, i wish i could do something to make the situation better. but it's not my place and in all honestly, i wouldn't know how even if it were.

but the worst part of this entire situation is when you look at it in its entirety and you realise that you're really not that different after all.

2011-11-16T19:39:00.002+08:00

What happens when the water runs away?
What happens when the sunlight starts to fade?
What happens when I love you comes too late?
When things go wrong, we just go on

What happens when you got no more to give?
What happens when there's nothing left to live for?
What happens when the one you love is not the one you're with
When things go wrong, we just go on

And no one's scared of flying, we're just scared of crashing down
No one's scared of falling, we're just scared to hit the ground
Even if your heart gets broke, you're stronger then you'll ever know
When things go wrong, we just go on

What happens when your best is not enough?
What happens when your soul mate is already in love?
How're you meant to pick the pieces up
When things go wrong, we just go on

No one's scared of flying, we're just scared of crashing down
No one's scared of falling, we're just scared to hit the ground
Even if your heart gets broke, you're stronger then you'll ever know
When things go wrong, we just go on

We don't need much, much of anything no
Just the hope of what tomorrow brings, oh
We don't need much, much of anything no
Just the hope of what tomorrow brings, oh

What happens when your lucky number's wrong?
What happens when you lose someone you've always counted on?
What happens when it feels like life's just stringing you along?
When things go wrong, we just go on
When things go wrong, we just go on

- we just go on, pixie lott

2011-11-16T10:35:00.000+08:00

cutting it out as of today. i will have the willpower, i WILL.

2011-11-14T18:55:00.001+08:00

OMG JUST STOP IT ARGHHHHH.

2011-11-14T14:04:00.002+08:00

when something is completely not within your control, that's when the entire situation sucks most.

i really don't know how to face the situation. part of me is telling me that everything is just not worth it, because it's not like we didn't go through it. we did, and it hurt. we were different people then, and we're so much better now.

you can't just get rid of external circumstances. as much as we would all love to, we just can't.

i hate how things have turned out. i'm trying to tell myself that this is all chemical and it doesn't make sense because i just don't want to go through it all over again. but maybe we should take that chance. it's a gamble, but is it worth the risk?

2011-11-08T21:54:00.002+08:00

today is the day i confess that i am OFFICIALLY GETTING FAT and therefore need to do something about it.

i will therefore:

1. stop snacking
2. stop eating so much crap
3. eat less carbo
4. eat less full stop

and of course 5, which has been killing me since the beginning of the sem:

5. NO MORE GOD DAMN SUPPER.

this is a promise to yourself gretch. now embrace the rules, internalise everything, and tell yourself that YOU WILL STOP BEING A BLOB. okay bye.

2011-10-30T15:46:00.001+08:00

my neck hurts and my head hurts and my back hurts and i'm sleepy and i have a report and presentation slides to finish before my meeting at 7pm.

HELL WEEK HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN.

2011-10-29T11:10:00.000+08:00

life is getting just that little bit more interesting.

2011-10-25T13:07:00.002+08:00

i feel like i'm being blackmailed and my antibiotics are being held ransom.

THIS IS SO STRANGE THAT I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT THE HELL GOES THROUGH MY MOTHER'S MIND.

sigh, family is so difficult to deal with sometimes.

2011-10-23T23:17:00.003+08:00

i have my regrets. who doesn't?

sometimes i think i really screwed everything up, and i wonder if i should just fight for it. but i don't even know where to begin now, and i think everything's way too far gone for anything to be done.

i spent so much time running away in the past, running away from everything. it's about time i told myself to just sit down and embrace all of this.

if other people can do it, so can i. but it's a pity it's too late for this.

2011-10-20T13:24:00.003+08:00

i've been getting the cutest wake up call the past couple of days.

since my nephew is staying over at my place while my sister's house is undergoing partial renovation, plus the fact that he wakes up before i do in the morning, my mom has been sending him to jump on me to wake me up in the morning.

so i've been waking up to jabs, pokes and yelps of "WAKE UP AH YIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!"

for some odd reason, it's difficult to get angry or annoyed with a two year old, even when you're getting jabbed and prodded and jumped on at 7am in the morning (he gets up at 5, i wonder how my parents and my sister and my brother-in-law do it), because he's just too cute. and being around him these past few days have made me realise that he's growing up so fast, you can actually understand what he's talking about now. "wake up" is as clear as it will ever be, and he says "okay" to everything my mom asks him to do. which is really very, very cute.

i can't wait until i can actually have a proper conversation with him. give it another six months and i think it will actually happen.

2011-10-17T09:54:00.003+08:00

at this point in our lives, we should be aiming for the stars. we should be chasing our dreams, planning for the future, because now is where everything should all into place. after this, it's the final step, but this is where we decide our direction, where we prepare ourselves for what is to come once graduation rolls around.

if that's the case, why are so many of us caught up in relationship issues, pining for people we know we're never going to get, and behaving as if these things rule our lives? human beings are meant to hook up and procreate, but you would think that evolution would have taught us a thing or two about animal instincts.

i guess not, because after all that we're still giving into the physiological nature of plebeians and neanderthals.

i think the best thing to do would be to keep yourself busy and not dwell on such issues, because i can see how people's live can be ruined by something like this, and i don't want the same thing to happen to the people i care about.

in the pursuit of happiness comes heartbreak. i guess that's the irony of life then.

2011-10-16T17:53:00.002+08:00

I'm currently in one of those 'I hate people' moods.

2011-10-15T10:59:00.001+08:00

so. totally. fucked.

2011-10-13T13:59:00.001+08:00

why the hell am i so unmotivated.

i'm still on recess week mood, which is ridiculous because my recess week was ridiculously busy. i guess even though you know you have things to do during recess week, you tell yourself that you can KIND of take a break and get back to it after you get some rest because it is, after all, recess week.

OH GOD MOTIVATE YOURSELF AND GET DOWN TO WORK YOU HAVE DEADLINES LOOMING GRETCH!!!!! you can't continue at this rate!!!!!!

2011-10-12T12:28:00.000+08:00

if i scratch your back, you need to scratch mine
you need to get yours, i need to get mine

2011-10-11T17:53:00.002+08:00

what i learned in marketing101:

idea screening: when an idea doesn't work, you throw it out before any further costs are incurred.

2011-10-07T23:30:00.001+08:00

falling too hard, too fast.

WHYYYYYYY.

2011-10-05T00:20:00.002+08:00

Make a decision.

It's difficult to compromise who you are sometimes but what if it's all about being adaptable? I used to pride myself for being that but now that I look back I think maybe I should just stick to my guns and embrace the fact that I am the way I am and this is what I'm meant to do.

2011-10-04T03:12:00.000+08:00

i did the right thing.

now screw it gretch, go to sleep.

2011-10-02T20:47:00.002+08:00

sometimes i look back and wonder how we got to this point.

we used to be so good. okay fine, THEY used to be so good, and they entrusted this on to us. so how did we end up like this? how is it that we didn't manage to live up to all those expectations they placed on us, that we placed on ourselves? we're supposed to be better than this, but now looking at the morale and the attitudes that everyone has with regards to the situation and i can't help but feel like we've all let them down.

is it about the confidence? i don't know, it all seems like there is so much more to it than just confidence. personally, the thrill that i used to get from all this was through the roof, but recently it's just been so difficult and i don't know if i can hold it up anymore. but i made a promise to everyone, and i'll see it through. i still love it, it's just that sometimes i question why the hell i'm doing this because it doesn't seem to be paying off sometimes.

i though maybe i'd gotten past the entire self-depricating thing, and i think to a certain extent i have. but sometimes being told the things you're told, which make you feel the way you feel just doesn't help with the situation.

i think if i were the me i was a year ago i wouldn't be able to take it. but i'm glad this is all happening now and not then, because i think i'm now stronger and i can rise above this.

but the thing is that this isn't even about me, it's about all of us. and sometimes it pains me to see how the entire situation is. i wish we stronger, i wish we could deal with everything better.

but sometimes i just don't know.

2011-09-26T18:25:00.002+08:00

i don't know why i don't just tell people.

looking at everyone else's photos on facebook, they're all so open about the whole thing. maybe i should be too?

heck, i'm just going to let the chips fall as they may. if photos are posted, i'm not gonna take them down.

i should own this.

2011-09-26T11:26:00.002+08:00

after all the hype, i actually can't believe that it's over.

i know i keep saying that maybe i shouldn't have taken it up because it's such horrific timing but on hindsight, i'm glad i did. i mean, how many people out there get the opportunity to be in such close proximity with so many important people? granted, i'm not particularly a fan, but i think the whole thing was just so humbling, that in the bigger scheme of things, no matter how important you think everything around you is, there's a whole other world out there you're not a part of and, chances are, will never be a part of. and it was amazing just to have been given the opportunity to be in the presence of such people for just that couple of hours.

but, having said all that, i'm glad it's over too, because now i can actually relax and take things a little bit more slowly. it's another thing done, and one more less thing to devote my time to. weekends are precious, i can't believe i haven't had a proper weekend in months, and i'm looking forward to the coming one where i actually don't have anything to do, maybe spend some time with family and friends as opposed to freaking out about having no time to do anything because i'm always tied down.

although, knowing me, i'd feel weird not having anything to do on a weekend, because that's just how i roll.

and oh crap, i just realised i missed my assignment deadline. kill me now. THIS IS WORSE TIMING THAN I THOUGHT.

2011-09-09T01:03:00.003+08:00

i think we made a ton of mistakes with the whole process.

i'm just hoping and praying we'll do the right thing from here on.

2011-09-06T15:57:00.003+08:00

i am so sick and tired of going to the computer help desk and have them tell me that they can't do anything about my laptop situation.

i guess i have no one to blame but myself for the situation i've put myself in because i'm the one who doesn't take proper care of her stuff, i'm the one that chucks and dumps stuff everywhere.

maybe i just have too much faith in the hardiness of technology.

i just want to get a new computer, but i have all the adobe software installed on this one and i'm sure i'm going to need it, which means that i have to lug around two different computers for two different things. and i need the photoshop, i need premier, and it's good to have these things because you don't know when you're going to need them. and it's such a waste to buy the software again for the new computer because you're already dishing out almost two thousand bucks for a new computer and on top of that you have to find a way to replace all the things you had previously in the old computer and omg i really don't have the time and effort to deal with all this right now.

i'm ranting, but i need to. i have to prepare for CAT tomorrow because i'm so lost in class and i can't bootcamp my computer and i don't understand half the stuff the prof says and my group doesn't have a project yet and i know i shouldn't be freaking out because it's only week 4 but i can't help it because all these things are such important issues i need to make a decision NOW.

i should have dropped CAT, at least i would have had the break at the end of the year to deal with all this crap. because right now i'm just flailing my arms and trying to cope with all the shit that comes along with taking CAT, not to mention the computer problems and no one else seems to be facing.

sometimes i think i really need to be a bit more selfish when the alternative is just going to leave me in an unbelievably helpless state that renders me completely useless for hours on end.

2011-08-31T18:20:00.003+08:00

the thing about me is that i know what i need to do, and most of the time i'm going to get it done.

i can't stand it when people get distracted halfway, especially when they've already said yes to something. it's irresponsible, plus you need to realise that there are other people out there with different goals from you. yes i do realise you have NO goal, but i do. and if you can't keep up, well you can go suck it.

it's not about me being inflexible, because i don't have to bloody cater to your inability to focus. and the most ridiculous part of this entire issue is that it is all physiological, which means that IT CANNOT BE HELPED.

bloody ridiculous. and you have no justifiable reason for doing what you did.

i would have defended you in the past, but now i know why he said the things he did. there's a difference between placing emphasis on your own personal well being and completely disregarding the people around you.

grow up. i'm self-centred too but at least i know when to accommodate.

2011-08-24T00:24:00.002+08:00

we cannot let ourselves be dictated by things we have no control over.

at the end of the day, the only person who can tell you what to do is yourself. so don't give me all this bullshit about how it's all about external events influencing you because you know for a fact it's not true, or at least it's not the whole truth.

sure, i do agree with you to a certain extent, but at the end of the day you have to meet the expectations carved out by those around you and you can't take the easy way out and start pointing fingers. it's ridiculous how much people think we have to compromise for this because we DON'T. there isn't really a trade off here because you're expected to fulfill BOTH things. you signed up for this, you better jolly well deliver.

2011-08-19T04:00:00.001+08:00

so stressed out about tomorrow.

2011-08-16T23:58:00.003+08:00

i have so many things on my plate this sem i don't even know where to start.

i'm honestly hoping i don't crash and burn. i know what i need to get done, and hopefully i fulfill my own and other people's expectations. because what i have on my plate this sem is really no joke. i have school, exco, a production, a job, not to mention the adhoc commitments i've gotten myself into.

i need to snap out of cruise mode and get down to business because i don't know how else i'm going to survive the sem, not just with a decent GPA, but actually get through it in one piece without completely driving myself insane.

but right now, despite the fact that i'm looking at what i have before me and it seems like a LOT, i'm actually happy. i'm happy that i have stuff to look forward to, i'm happy that i'm doing things i actually like, i'm happy that i have the support that i have from both family and friends with regards to all the things i've taken up. and honestly speaking, even though my parents and i aren't on the same page about a lot of things, i'm glad they support my projects. truth be told, most parents would probably not be so keen on their kids taking up so many extra curricular stuff because GPAs are going to fall for sure, but my parents are cool with these things.

and the good thing is, most of my activities are going to be over within the first half of the sem. production is in september, i'll probably quit my job or go on hiatus by the time october rolls around, and then after that it'll just be exco commitments and school. but then finals are going to come round, project deadlines are going to come speeding towards me and prep for arts fest and possibly coburg are just going to be insane with all the sponsorship and costume and presentation stuff to deal with.

but i will survive. because that's how i work best anyway.

let's go! this sem is going to be really exciting, hopefully i'll be able to manage everything and keep a smile on my face. but please, if i ever do seem like i'm cracking, just tell me that things are going to be okay, and remind me to sleep, and i'll be eternally grateful.

2011-08-03T03:41:00.003+08:00

every so often i just need to tell myself to step it up and stop missing beats because i can't afford to.

i tell myself that i'm happy but truth be told i could be happier.

it's all a matter of internalising, deciding what it is that you want out of life and aiming for it. i've pushed myself to the limit, i'm challenging myself, now it's time to stop dreading, stop whining and actually start DOING.

wish me luck guys, the new year is starting and it's time for a fresh start. and this time PLEASE FOLLOW THROUGH.

screw it, i miss you.

2011-07-18T01:41:00.002+08:00

i'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain
i won't apologise for who i am
but i'm just a basket case
we were always meant to say goodbye.

2011-07-06T00:18:00.001+08:00

fucking obsessive behaviour.

2011-07-04T00:22:00.002+08:00

i have a feeling i've screwed up beyond all redemption this time.

BUT. i am going to make sure this isn't it. because it can't be it.

I CAN DO THIS. I WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR MYSELF EVEN IF I END UP LOOKING LIKE FOOL IN THE PROCESS.

2011-06-21T00:25:00.003+08:00

with regards to human rights issues, i think the only thing minority groups can fight for are EQUAL RIGHTS, and not to be given privileges because they belong to the minority.

looking at things rationally, there are reasons why having minority racial quotas in singapore are necessary. but at the same time, just because you belong to a minority group does not mean that you need to be spoonfed. yes, so you have to fight just that little bit harder to get yourself heard, but that's life. so you're at a disadvantage and there's nothing you can do about it. well then, too bad for you, you jolly well accept the fact and move on with life. if you can't deal with it, move.

but that's not the main point i am making here. i'm actually pretty disappointed i couldn't make it down for pink dot this year because of samba, but at the same time i don't regret it because sambatida was pretty god damn amazing. still, using this as an example, the gay community, being a minority community, is working to make itself heard. they organise events to make their voices heard, just like how minority races in singapore have their own organisations to cater to the needs of their people.

i don't think minority groups should be allowed to do things the majority isn't allowed to. i mean, i'm all for stating your case, but at the end of the day, gay people should not be allowed to do things straight people aren't. promiscuity should not be promoted within the gay community because it isn't among straight people. PDA makes people uncomfortable, regardless of whether you are gay or straight, and this has nothing to do with being open minded.

stepping on toes is a big no-no, because there are still social norms and conventions you have to adhere to. i know complete equality is completely idealistic and is not how the world works, but people need to understand that just because you are born with a certain disadvantage doesn't mean you should be given privileges. if you are physically fit, mentally fit, and are capable of leading normal life, then you better not use that disadvantage to have people feel sorry for you.

yes, i am extremely brutal. i am open minded, but at the same time i am extremely realistic and practical. and egalitarian.

2011-06-16T23:50:00.001+08:00

NATALIA KILLS!!!!!!!

2011-06-15T02:15:00.001+08:00

i am the god damn embodiment of a PMS nightmare.

2011-06-12T23:51:00.002+08:00

i can't afford to slip up anymore. because i've realised that these things stick with you.

i think i should seriously think about quitting cold turkey.

2011-06-11T04:29:00.001+08:00

i will be okay with this.

i always thought i'd be the first one, but i guess apparently not.

it's been such a long time, i'm surprised i still feel this way.

2011-06-08T02:26:00.003+08:00

this has just been a really, really bad few days.

but cheer up gretch, things will get better.

2011-06-08T00:59:00.002+08:00

my mother is annoying me by attempting to instill her opinions on me again.

i literally want to yell at her right now. even though this isn't half as bad as the last time, i hate the fact that my stupid parents think that i am incapable of carving out a future for myself.

i hate the fact that they place so much emphasis on one thing, then try to shift the focus onto something else when that one thing doesn't work out.

like i keep saying over and over again, i love my parents to death but i swear i just CANNOT FUCKING STAND THEM SOMETIMES. people you love aren't meant to manipulate you to this extent.

and this is even worse than an abusive relationship because cutting all ties with the other party would be 1) ungrateful and 2) inconvenient.

WHYYYYYYY. if i hear my stupid mother say that word ONE MORE TIME i swear i am going to fucking yell in her face. this was semi funny yesterday, it's not anymore.

2011-06-04T23:36:00.000+08:00

Will we ever say the words we’re feeling
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have a happy ending
Or will we forever only be pretending?

2011-05-30T05:31:00.002+08:00

the one good thing about working at kinokuniya is that, for some odd reason, i've seen even more celebrities than i did at USS.

seriously, previously you'd get like one every few weeks? gosh, i've been working at kino for 2 weeks and already i've seen:

1) fiona xie
2) dennis chew aka auntie lucy (i renewed his privilege card for him!)
3) eric khoo
4) paul foster (that guy from polo boys i had a mega crush on at one point)

and today, i spotted my 5th celebrity. and in my opinion, she's the most fascinating person of all, just because she's, well, who she is.

i'm talking about wendy cheng aka XIAXUE.

first, let me say that if you've seen her videos and photos online, you'd be more than aware of all the work that she's gotten done to her face. she's what, 26? and i swear to god she already can't move the lower half of her face.

i've never been an advocate of collagen lip implants, but looking at her has put me off lip implants for life. please, not everyone looks like angelina jolie, and not everyone CAN look like angelina jolie. so guys, just suck it up and appreciate your own lips because there is no way fat lips can every look good on a small face.

plus, if you check out her photos on her blog, you can tell that the ones that she posts as ads are so insanely photoshopped you wouldn't think that it was an actual human being in that shot if you didn't know. you know how on those new neoprint machines they have this function you can apply to your photos to make your eyes appear much, MUCH bigger than they really are? i think in her photos she uses the equivalent of that function and ups it by about 50 notches. because i swear, after seeing her today, her eyes are NOT that huge, neither are her pupils that big and her eyelashes so defined.

she also slaps on a ton of makeup in her photos, and when i saw her today i think her face was pretty bare. her complexion is actually a lot better than i expected actually, and i am a sucker for complexion because mine is crap. i really need to invest in a good pimple cream.

but i digress.

anyway, basically in real life she's extremely short, probably up to my shoulder or maybe a little taller than that. i had to have a double take before i recognised her because she's had SO MUCH work done that you pretty much can't recognise her if you haven't seen what she looks like in a while. i haven't read her blog in something like four or five years, and when i went back to check it out today just to see if there was any congruence between what i saw and what's on the blog, HOLY SHIT I GOT THE SHOCK OF MY LIFE. xiaxue before and after photoshop look like two completely different people.

and ed, if you're reading this, the blonde hair really doesn't work. i know i've mentioned that she doesn't look that bad in blonde hair, but actually well, she does. and that's the only reason i recognised her, because if her hair wasn't blonde i wouldn't have bothered having another take and she'd have totally walked off.

but i guess if you're into the natural look, she's not THAT bad looking in person, sans makeup. but oh god, the photoshop on the blog? man i knew she had skill, i just didn't think she'd alter her appearance to THAT extent.

anyway it's 5.48 in the morning and i haven't slept in a good 17 hours. goodnight world, before i start jabbering nonsense.

2011-05-15T23:18:00.003+08:00

i am actually sick of talking about shopping. because i don't even know what to say anymore.

i would say i am eternally indebted to you because of what you did for me, but i'm not here to stroke your ego on a regular basis. i'm getting tired of it, and i'm sure you're getting tired of me saying the same thing over and over and over again.

i need to stop feeling guilty for every single thing.

2011-05-12T01:31:00.002+08:00

hello gretch, do NOT blame yourself for this because it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

however, at the same time, do take some time and reflect over the whole situation, because this is something that could potentially benefit you in the future. working under pressure is something that everyone has to deal with, and as much as all this seems like a bit of a disaster at the moment (which i am pretty sure it is not, even if your silly little fatalistic brain tells you it is.), there is nothing that cannot be rectified.

therefore, get your lazy ass off the couch and DO something about this (in a completely metaphorical sense of course, because technically you can get most of the things you need to do done even if you glued your butt to the sofa, but that's not really the point here.) and make sure that you can get yourself through this situation with as little loss or damage as possible. you know what you need to do, so now please just DO IT for god's sake.

and of course, learning points from this whole fiasco:

1) do NOT let your anyone pressure you into making a decision unless you are COMPLETELY sure it is the right one (oh gosh, i can just imagine the different types of situations this piece of advice could tide you through.)
2) do not make such decisions ahead of time.
3) sometimes you need to stop questioning yourself and just get things done ahead of time.
4) do NOT make decisions without consulting the relevant people first.

and of course;

5) TRUST YOUR FUCKING GUT.

so yes gretch, do what you need to do, and do it as soon as possible. the whole point of reflecting and internalising your weaknesses is to ensure that you don't commit the same mistake over and over again, and each mistake becomes a learning experience. if you DON'T learn from your mistakes, you are going to one day screw your life over, and you can pretty much bid the rest of your life goodbye and say hello to a living, walking, breathing train wreck.

and god forbid, you're already halfway there. so please salvage the situation before you completely go off the edge.

(does it concern you that i find some sort of appeal in completely losing it? just saying.)

2011-05-08T22:56:00.003+08:00

i can't believe that nicole seah thought that she even had a right to apologise on behalf of MM Lee.

seriously, who the hell does she think she is? she's 24, with no political experience, which means that she probably doesn't have more experience dealing with minority races on a political platform than the rest of us, and the act of trying to apologise is just as bad as MM Lee making those statements in the first place.

work on your credibility before trying to say or do anything okay? don't try to be the hero here, you know that the only reason why you look like such a star is because tin pei ling is the most ridiculed thing in singapore right now. i think the only reason why tin pei ling is such a joke is because no part of her screams "minister of parliament". screw it, she looks like she could be a classmate of mine from smu. and that picture with the kate spade box and that ah lian pose? yeah that pretty much does nothing for her credibility whatsoever either.

you know what, maybe the fact that nicole seah looks 35 is actually something that works to her advantage. the thing about politics is that, say whatever you want, if you're male and you're old you're going to be at an advantage. yes, society is superficial that way, and these conventions have existed for a really long time. and i think there's a good reason for their existence, because even though i'm all feminist and rahrah and whatever, you do have to appreciate the tradition view that many people subscribe to.

dammit, just because she's peranakan she thinks she has some level of affinity with the malay community, and that gives her the right to assume the responsibility? i resent that, i really do.

2011-05-06T00:52:00.002+08:00

tomorrow i am going to wake up thinking WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?????

but today, i am going to go to bed satisfied. i think that was more fun that i have had in a really, really long time.

THANKS GUYS, much loves.

2011-05-03T17:32:00.002+08:00

politicians are not rock stars, and we should not treat them that way.

i think that's the problem with opposition supporters, especially people who are pro nicole seah. yes, my view may be biased because i honestly do NOT like her at all, and the more i see of her, the more she annoys me. it's as if she talks to people like they're morons, she keeps apologising for her youth and her inexperience and oh god WHY IS SHE SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME???

seriously, i know it's a bit much coming from the queen of angst (which i SWEAR i am working on.), but she really needs to stop sounding like some crazy maniac when she gives speeches. there's a difference between being passionate and just being plain psycho, and i think she has slowly manage to cross the line there. i pretty much expect her voice to crack midway through her speech, that's how emotional and psycho she sounds.

and oh god the CHEERING IS SO ANNOYING. rock star treatment is so inappropriate, because the problem with treating politicians like rock stars is that you become blinded by the actual content of their speech. obama is one guy who can REALLY take a person in with the stuff he says during a speech, and our MPs aren't even anywhere near that level.

especially not nicole seah, oh god.

okay so maybe i'm focusing too much on this whole nicole seah/tin pei ling thing, but i'm young and i'm female, so sue me if i care about something that i can actually relate to. i really am not a fan of both of them, but god forbid people are going to vote for the NSP over the PAP in marine parade because of nicole seah. because that would be the most stupid thing thing a person could ever do, and i bet you there will be people doing that.

and stop the cheering god dammit. maybe i should go to an opposition rally just to get a first hand experience of the stupid cheering. can't people just be RATIONAL for once?

i like the GE hype, i really do. but at the same time i hate how people only care about the opposition during the campaigning period. i'll admit that i'm guilty of occasionally slamming the PAP for the way singapore has turned out, how we've become an entire nation of robots blah blah blah. but i'm sorry, you can't have your cake and eat it too, and i have a lot of respect for the way the PAP made Singapore the way it is today.

ARGH WHY ARE WE SUCH EMOTIONAL CREATURES. BLOODY CHEERING I HATE IT SO MUCH.

i want more opposition in parliament, because the ONE THING i agree with nicole seah on is the need for a watchdog. because the media sure as hell ain't gonna do it, and social media is so bloody unreliable.

you know what? i just want this whole thing to be over and done with. then we can all go back to living our lives in peace, because at the end of the day, nothing is going to particularly affect me in the near future and i really don't see my life changing that much after this election. so call me superficial and call me apathetic, but as much as i love the hype, if i hear another bloody van drive by my area with some unfathomable message being blared over the loudspeaker, i swear i will hurt someone.

2011-05-03T13:22:00.002+08:00

i REALLY need to stop being so angry. and manipulative.

stop. just stop.

2011-05-02T13:49:00.004+08:00

I think my recovery, new angst-less Gretchen plan isn't exactly going according to plan right now.

I've realised that sometimes, it's a little bit difficult to completely remove all the bad energy from your life, because a lot of it is based on obligation. And that really sucks. So instead of completely eradicating it, you gotta live with it. Only this time, you know it's a problem, so you consciously remind yourself that you have to overcome it.

Maybe this is better after all. Maybe leaving it all behind is a form of escape. Maybe facing your issues directly is the way to do it. At least in this case.

Furthermore, the reflecting has stalled. I've gotten lazy, two weeks on, and I need to find my motivation once again. Perhaps the lent abstinence was a good thing for me, maybe I need to completely give up sometime I really want in order to be completely in control of my life, because otherwise it becomes a god damn slippery slope, and I can feel it happening again.

It's weird, because I don't think what happened is even remotely close to the shit I used to put myself through in the past. I could just tell myself that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but somehow my gut is telling me that this is not the way it should be. Maybe it's because of the way things ended, maybe I should have been a little bit more proactive.

I want to be that person who would go to the ends of the earth for the people she cares about. And actually, I think I still am that person, but I don't think I do it for the right reasons anymore. I've become such a utilitarian, I take things for granted, and it's all about how what I do is going to benefit me in the future. I pick favourites, but that's because of my own selfish desires. I need to start doing things for other people again, I need to care about people's feelings, and I need to be less of a cold-hearted bitch.

Come to think of it, cold-heated bitch doesn't even begin to describe what I've turned into. Maybe this is me doing things to spite the world for the way I've been treated, but vengeance is not the least bit flattering.

Get back on track gretch. Because this is not what you should be doing in order to redeem yourself.

2011-05-01T21:48:00.000+08:00

just say no.

2011-04-29T18:33:00.002+08:00

i'm actually really amazed at how so many people are actually excited for the upcoming elections.

i guess this entire thing puts the whole myth of how Singaporean youths are politically apathetic to hell then. it's good to see so many people giving a shit, even if i myself am not exactly into the whole election fever. maybe it's because this time around, i have friends who can ACTUALLY VOTE, and this kind of proactivity is bound to instill a certain level of excitement among the population.

or at least, on my facebook news feed.

to tell you the truth, i'm actually glad that i'm not voting this year, because truth be told i wouldn't know what to do. i think the PAP are actually going to lose a GRC this year, but i doubt it's going to be anywhere that would directly affect me.

my parents are so pro-PAP they might as well not bother voting from now on and just apply for a season pass or something, because they will never in the lives vote for the opposition. my parents think that the PAP has done such a good job, and that voting for the opposition would just be shooting ourselves in the foot, not to mention doing so would be totally ungrateful. my dad once said that if the opposition ever came to power in singapore, we'd probably move to a different country. i think previously it might have been the US, but with the current state of the country, PLUS the fact that the president is now a democrat, this probably won't happen anymore (although i tell my dad that since we're chinese, we'd probably never be truly accepted in the republican community or in the KKK, but whatever. my dad is weird that way.)

maybe hong kong. maybe china. i shudder to think of the possibilities.

i'm not pro PAP, but i'm not pro opposition either. i have no issues with the PAP, i honestly don't give a shit about whatever scandals may be out there as long as you prove yourself to be a credible politician. i mean, no doubt, politicians have to maintain an image in order to portray the country in a certain light, but i just don't understand why people can't just let scandals go.

i think this is AS talking, ad hominem!

it kinda scares me how people seem to be voting for the opposition just for the sake of it. but then again maybe it is time for change.

I DON'T KNOW. RAHHHHHHH.

2011-04-27T04:20:00.003+08:00

as much as i think tin pei lin is a bit of a moron (SERIOUSLY, UNIVERSAL STUDIOS???? plus she really made it seem as if her parents were dead, which is so not cool.), i REALLLLLY DO NOT LIKE NICOLE SEAH.

she's one of those bitches i really wanna slap, because she waxes lyrical like nobody's business, and you know for a fact that it's because she really has nothing to say and is trying to buy as much air time for the opposition as she possibly can. granted, i am watching one clip, and if social studies has taught me one thing it's that you never know if there's biasness stemming from anything. BUT STILL OH GOD.

at least tin pei ling seems sincere. and with the new trend of crying politicians (although this might not necessarily be the best gauge), i think if you're talking about getting votes, sincerity is going to resonate more with your typical heartlander.

plus nicole seah looks like she's about 35. just saying.

screw it, i hate them both.

2011-04-23T15:54:00.004+08:00

i shall aim to get rid of this feeling of longing and regret either by 1) going out there and doing something about it, or 2) internalising it and deciding that i don't really want or need it after all.

but which is the right decision to make?

2011-04-20T21:07:00.003+08:00

we're all damaged by something. it's just a matter of how you deal with it.

anyway, so addicted to this book called "room" by emma donoghue. reminds me of the jaycee lee dugard story from two years ago, but i guess this is one of those instances where fact is so much more gruesome than fiction. i guess to a certain extent that's where we gain inspiration from, and i love speculative fiction because you really never know what's going to happen, and it's kinda fun to just project into the future, even if the likelihood is close to zero.

emma donoghue guys, go check it out. it is AMAZING. (although it does nothing for your grasp of the english language, because the sentence structures are all wrong and there are so many made up words. i swear it almost made me believe that "brung" was an actual word.)

2011-04-18T15:52:00.003+08:00

gretchen's seven steps to recovery:

1. heal.
2. get rid of all the bad energy.
3. spend some alone time.
4. internalise.
5. stop it with the self-sabotage.
6. remember what it's like to be happy.

and finally...

7. stop. and think. and tell yourself you can be so much more.

i'm not even going to blame you for everything, because to a certain extent you did me a really big favour. but i can't bring myself to tell you because the gloating will just kill me.

i don't wanna see you right now, but give me some time okay?

and sorry ASCs. i don't want to be angsty anymore. and i sure as hell am going to try to make this happen for myself.

2011-04-16T16:24:00.000+08:00

I'm so shallow I disgust myself.

2011-04-10T23:01:00.001+08:00

I think, despite everything I do, despite everything I tell myself, deep down I'm still the same control freak I was three years ago.

2011-04-07T22:54:00.001+08:00

you know, i am really not amused.

does that make me a bad person?

2011-04-07T09:15:00.001+08:00

i think i've upped the crankiness to a whole new level.

this self-depricating, fatalistic, overall detrimental nature has GOT TO STOP. and NOW.

2011-04-03T10:32:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it takes the smallest thing to trigger the biggest emotions, and right now I'm just so swarmed with conflicting emotions that I am honestly wondering if there is something seriously wrong with my psyche.

I wish I could just drop everything and get on the next flight to wherever, because every second of being here just reminds me of how much everything around me is in such a mess and I just wanna get away from it all. And this period for me right now is so transitionary that it could go either way.

I don't even know why I'm feeling this way, because I should have been done with all of this a long time ago. But I think with the current circumstances everything is coming back faster than a speeding bullet, and it's all just too much.

If I screw up my finals because of this, I will never forgive you, but most of all I will never forgive myself.

2011-03-31T16:16:00.001+08:00

i hate what you're doing to me.

2011-03-30T21:41:00.001+08:00

i just bought myself 4 cups of gong cha. it's gonna be a looooong night.

2011-03-28T10:27:00.002+08:00

i think my bad moods stems from the fact that i wish my life were easier.

but life is never easy, and to a certain extent that's the beauty of it. That's how you learn to do the things you do, and how you ensure that it remains exciting. but at the same time, the internal turmoil is killing me, and not knowing how to deal with the situation really doesn't help.

i feel bad, because no one deserves it. but a small, selfish part of me just wants to tell the world to screw off, because it's my god damn prerogative to do and say whatever i want. i know i can't, and i know i need to reconcile all this angst somehow, because i can't live my life apologising to the rest of the world for being a bitch. one day the whole thing is just going to come back and bite me in the butt, and i won't even see it coming.

2011-03-23T17:09:00.004+08:00

i have a way too fatalistic view of the world.

it's not that i'm not happy, it's just that i'm too bothered by all the small details around me. and the weird thing is that i'm happy being this way, it's just that because this is such an odd mentality to have, it makes it seem as if i'm not.

or maybe my idea of happiness is just warped. but why should we give in to conventions anyway?

but i guess i have a lot of things to be grateful for. i'm healthy, not shit stupid or shit ugly, i live in Singapore where we're so protected from the rest of the world, i have a school to go to, i don't have to worry about money, and i am surrounded by people i love dearly.

i guess some people just don't count their blessings enough. i need to do that more, and maybe save the fatalistic view for when it actually matters, such as in projects so that we can all strive for excellence.

ASC love! i miss you guys dearly, let's go on a short getaway this summer. PLEASSEEEEEEEEEE.

2011-03-17T10:14:00.001+08:00

ungrateful bitch.

2011-03-16T17:41:00.001+08:00

i am angsty and unbelievably unmotivated.

yup, sounds about right.

2011-03-14T12:36:00.002+08:00

it's been a long time since i posted something here that actually had a point, but i guess that's kind of how life is: there really isn't a point anymore.

i wish i knew where i was going, but the problem with having an aim is that you hardly ever get to live in the moment, and you let good times pass you by. i had a conversation with my parents over breakfast about the future and perceptions and what you want your life be like in, say, ten years. but i'm just not that kind of person, especially not if talks revolve around me starting my own family. heck, i'm not even 20, my life is just beginning. i think i deserve to just live in the moment from now, enjoy the breeze, have some fun while i still can.

this is me putting my foot down and asserting myself. you can't tell me what to do because i'm old enough, and although we don't share the same beliefs, we can agree to disagree. you don't have a say in my life anymore, you gave that up a long time ago when you decided that i wasn't your priority. if this is all coming out because of guilt, well, you can go suck it.

and if it's coming out because you still think you can dictate my decisions, well, screw you. my decisions are mine alone, and because of what you said, i'm not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing that our beliefs might even have an element of similarity, because you don't deserve it.

i respected you enough to clue you in, now it's your turn to respect me.

2011-03-09T11:43:00.001+08:00

be my lover, and i'll cover you.

2011-03-07T12:18:00.002+08:00

this has been a perpetual lifelong battle, and it's only getting worse.

GIVE ME A GOD DAMN BREAK, PLEASE.

2011-02-21T11:25:00.001+08:00

the right thing is never the easy thing, and i think i let myself get swayed way too easily.

i should have given up a long time ago.

2011-02-19T00:42:00.002+08:00

so here i am, sitting at my computer at 12.45, sipping gong cha and thinking to myself OH MY GOD GRETCHEN YOU'RE OFFICIALLY CRAZY.

i've spent most of my life trying to avoid things like these, and i'm so fiercely independent in this aspect that i disregard everyone's feelings but my own. but now, i'm thinking maybe i gotta be the one to take the first step.

waiting for a quarter after one.

2011-02-17T14:20:00.002+08:00

argh i just had lasagna for lunch and i feel huuuuuuge right now.

i think today's just one of those days you kinda feel like holing yourself up in a corner and sleeping the day away. because my brain is dead, my eyes can't open (to the point i pretty much slept through the whole of aw), and my typing speed has officially decreased by like 50%, compounded with three times more mistakes than usual.

it just took me 3 minutes to type that whole thing out. seriously, i need to find an alternative. i just spent another 2 minutes staring into space.

hellooooo gretchen, please remind yourself that you have things to do and stuff to settle and life to work out so can you please stop dying on yourself, thanks.

HECK.

2011-02-17T06:26:00.001+08:00

oh my aw woes. FOCUS GRETCHEN FOCUS!!!!!!!!